Ask The Educator’s Room – Colleague Crushes and Unwanted Attention

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Welcome to our brand new advice column! Today we’re helping a teacher crushing on a colleague and another who received unwanted comments from a parent. See what our writers have to say, then share your own advice in the comments! You can read our previous editions of Ask The Educator’s Room here, here, and here.

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Dear Educator’s Room,

What do you do when you have a major crush on a colleague? We’re both single, newish teachers (less than 5 years) but I’m afraid to approach him. He teaches social studies and is so serious! I’m the music teacher. Btw, we’re high school teachers!

Sincerely,

Crush Concerns (source)

Dear Crush Concerns,

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions. 

1. What’s your existing relationship with him? 

Because you say you’re “afraid to approach him,” I worry that you don’t really know him. Unless there’s a basis of a friendship, even of the work camaraderie kind, I think you might be setting yourself up for failure. If you are friends at work who share some witty repartee, and have sensed a bit of a spark, then moving to the next step might be more natural. 

2. What’s your endgame? 

Not to be blunt, but are you looking for a hookup or the love of your life? If it’s the former, I think you should bury the instinct. If you think you’re compatible and would really hit it off in a more serious relationship, then it might be worth it. 

3. What are you willing to risk? 

Are you okay with being gossiped about in the lunchroom? (because, we know that will happen!) How would you handle potentially tense and awkward interactions with him if you break up? Would even just asking him out create an uncomfortable situation for him or you? Is risking your professional reputation so early in your career worth it? 

Unless you have a friendly relationship that you truly think can blossom into more and you’re comfortable with the risks, I’d definitely play it safe and look for love outside of work. 

Dear Crush Concerns,

My first question to you is what is your district policy regarding  this?  Does it explicitly say dating a fellow staff member is forbidden?  I think teaching is one of the only professions that typically forbids relationships among staff. This is not realistic in my opinion.  You work with someone all day, five or more days a week for nine months, it’s inevitable to make a friendship or more. In my former district, we had a situation where two young teachers had to keep their relationship secret, but it still became public knowledge. Once they became engaged, the district made them decide who would stay at our campus and who would move. It really was not fair as both were phenomenal teachers. I imagine this archaic policy could prevent drama from possible break ups or divorce disrupting a classroom.  Truth be told, teachers go through this with significant others out of school and still find a way to keep it from affecting their teaching.  

My next question, is this individual interested?   It sounds like you are in different disciplines, so that might help.  I mean we make friends with colleagues and have disagreements, yet making friends with colleagues is not disallowed.   I say to go for it.  It is 2022.   One plus, you would certainly have lots of things in common to talk over.  As precarious as the whole teaching profession is right now, districts would be unwise to keep pushing this since they need to retain teachers.  Best of luck! 

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Dear Educator’s Room,

A 13-year-old student told me that her mom thinks I’m “sexy.” I feel really uncomfortable.

Sincerely,

Awkward Situation (Source)

I am sorry that happened to you. That’s uncomfortable at best, violating at worst. 

My first concern here is your safety. An inappropriate comment about your looks, even one that’s “complementary” can be sexual harassment and should not be tolerated in any capacity. You should not feel like you are being ogled at or gossiped about for (gasp!) having a body at work. 

If you feel unsafe in any way, go to your admin. They should know what happened and have a conversation with the parents. It’s not your job to teach parents who should know better and your admin is there to make sure you have a safe and productive work environment. 

If you do feel safe (just annoyingly uncomfortable) and don’t think you want to escalate things, you could approach the student.

I think about the thirteen year old daughter in this situation and how she is just on the cusp of learning about many adult topics and these moments are going to stick with her. It could be really powerful to model how those inappropriate comments feel and why you’re disappointed they keep happening. If her mom is repeatedly making these comments to her, she might not have any idea of their impact. 

Just make sure, for legality and awkwardness sake, this chat is not just between the two of you.

Dear Awkward Situation,

I totally understand your feelings and concern regarding this.   We once had a parent make very lewd remarks to a teacher during a school function.  We’ve now all been put on alert to never be alone with this parent.  Have you spoken to your administrator regarding this?  They may know more about this parent and whether or not this is their MO. Hopefully, your administration will be able to address it before it gets out of hand.

If this comment has begun to manifest residual effects with the student becoming difficult to deal with, I would meet with your administrator and that parent in a meeting stating this comment has put a crinkle in your relationship with their student.  I do not know if it would be possible to do or not, but asking to have the student placed with a different teacher might be a good idea if you feel uncomfortable.  You definitely do not need something or someone in the background making you feel this way.  Our jobs are already hard as it is.  Hoping for a positive resolution.

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Emma-Kate Schaake is a National Board Certified English teacher in Washington state. She’s passionate about her teacher leadership role at the building and district levels, creating professional development on equity, school culture, and social justice. She writes about her ongoing journey to unlearn myopic history, act as an advocate for her students, and think critically about her role as an educator. Follow her on Instagram @msschaake

Suzy Winter is a middle school Language Arts teacher in the private school sector and loves every moment of it. After 17 years of public school life, it is a welcome change, but she will always advocate and lift up my fellow educators. She believes our profession, no matter where the classroom, is not for the faint of heart, but for those who teach with all their heart.

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